How sometimes living is melancholy

Now that I am sitting here on my grandfather's chair, which my father inherited after my grandfather passed away on the 27th of December, three days before my 13th birthday, probably the beginning of my teenage years that do not hold any thrill because mine were very simple. Now that I have finally turned 20 this year, I can tell that my teenage years slipped away like those fresh leaves from trees, leaves that are green but are no longer a part of those which are still there on the tree. Passersby tend to walk by them without noticing them, exactly how I would pass by them. Going back to the chair, I swiftly came across these past memories, and that suddenly makes me eight again, sitting at the dining table that my mom brought with her when she married my dad. I am back at my old home, the one having been mapped differently before we got it renovated, my mother, on the other hand, is ironing her clothes, and I am counting the days left for my cousin to arrive. We lived in Delhi while she lived somewhere else, and my eight-year-old self can feel the thrill of her arrival because, till now, my sister isn't born, and so I have no one to play with, but as soon as words regarding her arrival leave my mouth, my mother goes, "Well, she will be going to her grandmother's first and then here, so add one more day to your countdown." The thrill got lowered, but it didn't die.

Now this brings back another memory of excitement, this one: I am going to my mother's hometown in Uttarakhand, the five-hour rides with Mohammed Rafi's songs playing in the background. Life was colorful, what others used to think didn't matter at all. How am I looking? Are my hair shiny? What color will suit my lips? Should I tie my hair up? These weren't the questions I was asking myself back then, which I ask myself now, but let's just say questions do not make me feel miserable or desperate, I believe there are a lot of things to worry about instead.

I, too, had a tomboy era, I won't deny that, it was embarrassing, but it was there, and some people even hyped me up for that. Now was that genuine? I have no idea, but being honest, I didn't have a personality back then. If I was looking at a female YouTuber, then I wanted to dress like her, or if I was surfing on Musical.ly, then I wanted to make one the way those Americans did. It was hard to find myself in those years and with that growing influence, I even stopped painting, thinking it wasn't my cup of tea, when it was the only thing that was my cup of tea, I thought that it wasn't 'cool' and didn't suit my personality. School wasn't helping either, I didn't have good friends until the 9th, so as a result, I got a stable friend group after quite a lot of struggles to fit in.

Now, personality was becoming hard to find. At one point, I wanted to be a tough girl, but then, if someone came and didn't behave in a nice way, I barely said anything, I would just go silent and look down, hoping they would stop and go away, and I hated myself for that, but I eventually grew out of it because I realized that I owe nothing to anyone, so just value those who care for you and do not give a damn about those who don't, they are not eligible to hold a place in your mind, keep it reserved for your best people.

I started gaining weight somewhere around 8th standard, and I didn't stop until 10th, I was above 70 kg, I didn't realize it until I went through a most common phase in a girl's life, and that was the K-pop phase. Like I mentioned earlier, I was 15 and still hadn't developed a personality I wanted myself to have, my next stop in this discovery was South Korea, the moment I saw those girls, I knew I was overweight, and so I started working on it, this was the beginning of finding myself. I used to wake up at 4 AM, do a two-hour workout, and eat less and less, although I got scolded a lot by my mother, I knew what I wanted. While doing this, a realization came to my mind that I might not want to look exactly like pop idols, and so I stopped at 50 kg, which didn't remain for long, and I gained 6 kg again the next year, but I was happy, finally, I was happy, I was out of my tomboy era, and in my desired shape,

nothing could go wrong now,

Right?

Wrong.

I had an academic downfall. The girl who came in 2nd position in 8th standard was now not able to keep up with physics and math, now, again, that thrill of good looks died down because I started to think that no looks will help me if I didn't pass these exams or clear any entrance, the career tension of 3 AM hits differently. But it was all again in my hands, and I did pass 12th standard with average marks, I was not able to clear my entrance, all doors seemed to shut down. Those times, when I used to sit on my grandfather's chair, I was able to see myself in someone's kitchen, I was terrified. But when no one was there, I had my parents, they gave me this courage that it's alright, people lose, it doesn't mean they are not good enough to achieve those targets, it simply means that they are destined to get something even bigger, you just have to have the courage to dream big.

I got admission to a private college, and as of now, it's all good, the best part is that I do not regret anything, I don't know where I will go from here, but things have changed, and they will always keep changing. I would not like to say that I have a very good personality, but I would say that I stopped looking up to others because I am my own person, and I should look up to myself and how I can make myself better, I don't need to compete with anyone, everyone is unique and different. If people started to be the same, then the world would become boring and dull.

I read somewhere that: "Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no bird sang except those that sang best."

I started painting again, I realized it was my thing, and I enjoyed it, and I have progressively gotten better. I still sometimes think about the future, though I do not see myself in a kitchen, I see myself in a state where I am at peace with myself, it would be correct to say that this isn't the end, I am still yet to see my good and bad phases, I might fail and fail again, but the aim is to live life to its fullest because we don't know when the century-old lurking death might engulf us. The thrill I had as a child died long ago, but that thrill to see the future is still alive, and I look forward to it, life lost its bright colors, but I love pastels anyway.

And no, I do not count days for my cousin's arrival anymore, we don't get along with each other anymore.

You grow up, and now you are able to differentiate between people and feelings.

And this is how sometimes living is melancholy,

but sometimes it isn't.